Timeline of Emotional Events

 Saturday night was awful.


Around....

4 pm= Took mom to the ER because she had been extraordinarily fatigued and her shortness of breath really worried us.

5-9 pm= We get to the ER asking for blood transfusions because she's usually always low and that causes fatigue.  We also ask for a thoracentesis procedure where they drain fluid that could have accumulated outside of her lungs.

    They do the following things: Draw her blood, run an EKG on her, and do a chest X-ray in order to make sure that there is fluid.  They confirm on the X-Ray that the white matter that is on the scan is fluid.

    After that, it takes two hours for the doctor to come in to do the actual draining procedure.  They sit her up and he runs an ultrasound over her back and tries to determine where the fluid buildup is.  He finds the area, numbs the skin, makes a small incision and puts in a long needle.  He fiddles with it for several seconds, shakes his head and pulls it out.  He didn't get it.  He asks for another sterile kit.  He gets the kit, opens it to get a new needle and tries again.  He concentrates, fiddles, shakes his head again, and bandages her back.  He says that he couldn't get the fluid, so the interventional radiologists will do it in the morning.  Me and my sister are angry because, really? You stuck a needle into her twice and got nothing? Do you see how exhausted she is? Her heart rate is going crazy! Fix her!

   They want a follow-up X-Ray and I ask what for, because the procedure wasn't successful. They said the doctor just wants to make sure. They take another X-Ray. We wait some more.  Mom tells me to go home (my aunt's house, which is about 35+ minutes away from the hospital) since she'll have to stay overnight and Chi can stay with her instead.  I reluctantly go home.

    I get home, Chi texts to tell me that they ordered a CT scan on mom. Okay.  I update my aunt and uncle on what's happening and they go to bed.  I watch some TV.

12 AM=  Chi calls me and she's crying.  Tells me in between shaken breathes that I need to come back to the hospital because the fluid that they thought they saw on the X-Ray is not fluid but is in fact a tumor that has rapidly grown on her left lung. The tumor is part of the reason she's having such a difficult time breathing. There is also some fluid around her heart that they could drain but since her heart is beating so fast, if during the procedure her heart should fail, does she want to be revived? Mom said no.  I don't fully process all of this so I said okay, let me pack some things and I'll head back. Chi says she's calling Dad next.

   I grab a backpack and throw some clothes in there, gently go into my aunt and uncle's room to wake them up to update them.  I'm repeating things and saying things in haste, basically telling them that this doesn't look good and we don't know how much longer we have with her.

   I get into the car and head back to the hospital.  As I turn onto the freeway, that is the moment it hits me.  Everything finally catches up in my brain and I start saying, "I'm not ready for her to go" over and over again and I completely come undone and unraveled while driving.  Everything is blurry, and I'm loud and gasping for air because I'm already grieving the loss of my mom even though she is still here.

 My cousin calls me during this and I dumbly pick up and start wailing into the phone .  He tells me to calm down and breathe and that him and his sister are headed to the hospital and that they'd meet me there.  He reminds me to breathe several more times and then we hang up.

 I take his advice and do my best to shut things down and inhale.  I'm driving 75 mph, tears still streaming, and I decide that I need to call my aunt in Oklahoma to let her know.  It is 2 AM over there.  I call her and she picks up and her voice is quiet as she asks what's happening because she'd been waiting for this call.  I tell her what's going on and she immediately starts to sob and tells me how much she loves my mom and how worried she'd been, and it is in that instant that I start to really calm down because I realize that nowhere in this am I alone.  My entire family is going through this with me, I have people I can lean on.

  After I hang up with her, I call several more cousins in Oklahoma to let them know.

  Somehow during all of this, I manage to turn on the GPS and stick it on the window because there is construction and it took me on a different route.  I don't remember much of the actual "drive", I just remember crying and calling family members.

1-2 AM= I've sobered up and I make my way to the room and make sure I am calm and not visibly upset.  Mom asks why I'm back and Chi tells her it's because she called me.  I tell mom that there are people coming to visit.  Mom feels guilty that people are coming to visit her at 1 in the morning even though it was their decision to come. I sit in the chair next to her bed and take her hand and watch her.  I try to drink her in, try to cherish every second with her and burn it into my memory.

   My cousins Lilly, Kevin, and his girlfriend Jackie, are the first to arrive. My mom asks them through shallow breathes why they came to visit her so late.  Kevin says that he didn't come to visit her, he came to ask her if she wanted to go gamble with him and that makes her smile-- the kind that brightens up her entire face-- which is rare now because she's always frowning from being so uncomfortable. She tells him how charming he is.  Kevin takes her hand and says something to her about how she needs to keep fighting or trying.  She turns and looks at him and softly says, "I'm trying. I'm trying, but it's hard.  It's so painful. I also want to live, but how can you live when you suffer like this? I know everyone loves me and I love everyone too." The room is quiet and most everyone is in tears.

  About fifteen more minutes pass and two aunts and an uncle come in.  The sisters look like they've been crying.  One of the sisters asks us to leave the room while she chants and prays with my mom.  All of us leave to the waiting except for the sisters.

 Everyone leaves around 3 or 4 AM.

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Sunday (Father's Day) my dad flies in at 2:30 pm and my aunt flies in at 8:25 pm.  I should say that my mom is one of 8 siblings, and she is the fifth one in her family and the youngest of the girls. While most siblings live in California, there are two living in Oklahoma and one living in Arkansas.

 My cousins Catherine and Crystal come to visit today for several hours. Mom sleeps on and off most of the day and it's usually hard for her to sleep for very long because breathing is so difficult.  While she sleeps we sneak pictures of her and with her and share them with each other.  The doctors come in around noon or one and tell us that Hospice is the next likely choice for my mom.  I knew that was coming but it's a hard pill to swallow.  It meant they would now stop all attempts to stop the spreading of the cancer because the cancer has won the battle.

 Once Catherine and Crystal leave, the Hospice lady comes in and starts taking down our information.  She tells us that it's all about comfort and quality of life until the end.  That if we decide to do hospice, we can't take her to the hospital unless we want to end the contract with hospice.  We are asked questions no one really wants to think about, like in the case that my mom can no longer eat, does she want a feeding tube? No she doesn't. Does she need a nurse to be at the house 8 or more hours? Have we discussed what we're going to do once she passes? The entire process was depressing.

  We were hoping to get discharged from the hospital that day but they said they had to keep her another night, which makes her sad.  She keeps saying, "I want to go home, they said I could go home today".  My mom is so small now, sometimes her sadness and sickness makes her seem like a child. They apologize to her and promise she would be discharged tomorrow.

 Eventually the hospice lady leaves to get paperwork done and order a hospital bed to the house, etc., and one of my mom's younger brother comes in. He's already in tears as he steps into the room. She sees him and for whatever reason, she starts to cry too, which then in turn makes me tear up.  They say some things to each other but I try not to listen in because it seems intimate, but I catch her say that she's sad, which breaks my heart.

 My dad rolls in five minutes after and me and Chi greet him and we all stand around and talk for a little. My dad's hungry so me and Chi go down to the cafeteria to eat with him and spend some time with him since we haven't seen him in awhile. And it was Father's Day.

 Dad's closed the store for an indefinite amount of time since mom seems to be in such a delicate stage right now.  I think it's good.  We all need to be here with her.

 Eventually everyone decides that I should go home since there can't be 3 people in the room with mom overnight, there'd be no space. I get voted off the island so I had to hitch a ride back with a family friend that came to visit.

 When I get back home, hospice stuff had already been delivered.  There's a hospital bed and a new oxygen system for her.

  I know this was long and there are many errors in it, but it's therapeutic for me to type out.  I like to document emotions and events in my life, and this is going to be an extremely devastating event, but it's part of my life.

  To all of you who have prayed for my mom and my family, I want to thank you.  For all of you who have donated to us, we cannot tell you how grateful we are.  I truly have such wonderful friends and family, and although I know this will not be easy it is more manageable with you all there to remind me to breathe.  And I've been getting a lot of messages, I am sorry if I don't respond.  Just know that it's read and that it means a lot to me.  <3

www.gofundme.com/LeDonation

Visits at 2 in the morning.

Catherine and Crystal visit.

Co Van comes to visit.

Father's Day Hospital Cafeteria lunch!

Together and watching the Finals. Spurs won. <3