An Update On My Feelings and Other Things

 Things have been a bit crazy in my life.

  I am currently at the UCLA Hospital with my mom.  A couple of weeks ago she was in the hospital for 2 weeks, then she got sent home, and now she's back again and this will be her 2nd night here.

 I had to take the rest of this school year off because as of right now things with my mom's health is very delicate and we are unsure of how much time we will have with her.  I am so blessed to work at a school that is extremely supportive and understanding.  They all rallied behind me and shooed me away so I can spend time with my mom.  I left knowing my kids are in good hands with my best friend, Dana Hanley, who had graciously accepted to be the sub for the remainder of the year.

 My mom's very weak right now.  She is tired all the time and hurts constantly.  Her want to fight and her optimism has waned and she now just wants it all to be over with.  She wants to give up and doesn't want to fight it anymore. This is the complete opposite of how she was and it's heartbreaking.  It's awful to know that she would prefer death over living now because she's suffering.

 I am devastated, heartbroken, and numb.  Picturing my life without my mom in it terrifies me.  It doesn't matter what age you are, you always need your mother.  My emotions go up-and-down and every which way.  First I was angry, because my mom who has fought all of her life does not deserve this.  Then I'm overwhelmingly sad and that settles in the pit of my stomach and just churns.  The sadness weighs on everyone in my family and it's like a cloud that's over you at all times.

 And I also worry about everything.  I worry about my dad and what he's going to do when my mom passes away; I worry about my mom's state of mind; I worry about my sister and her future; I worry about me and my future.  I worry about the medical bills. My mom is our rock and our glue and I'm afraid that without her we're going to come undone and wander around lost.

 My dad has been trying to sell our store for awhile and we had someone that seemed interested but we haven't heard back from him.  Dad's now very anxious to sell the store and come out to California, but he really should have worried about that six months ago. I'm afraid it's too late now and he'll be stuck there worrying about the store instead of worrying about spending time with my mom.  I called him when I got here and told him how weak my mom was and that I think he needs to come out here for at least 3 days so all of us are together at the same time.  He said he's afraid to leave the store for that many days because the store may get broken into.  I wish he could just let go of that store. He needs to, he's losing time.

 On top of that I have so many questions that can't be answered:

- Why do bad things happen to good people?
- Is it selfish of us to want my mom here so badly when she is suffering so much?
- Am I handling my grief and emotions in a healthy way?
- Do I move to California or stay in Oklahoma?
- Does prayer work?
- Why is our healthcare system so awful?


 Sometimes life just sucks. I know it's unfair, but that doesn't make it any less horrible.

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