Empty Spaces

  My mom passed away June 18th, 2014 at 7:21 pm on a Wednesday.

 The day before that, Dad and I flew back to Oklahoma in order to finish off selling the store and getting all the paperwork out of the way.  We landed at 11:15 pm that night.

 For whatever reason I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night, mainly because I was so worried about mom.  I got a phone call some time at 6 AM from Chi, telling me she was really worried because her breathing was becoming more and more difficult, and she was wheezing a lot.  She said that she gave mom liquid morphine, which usually would knock my mom out for several hours and help her breathe easier, but it didn't seem to work.  I worried but we didn't know what else to do so we hung up.

 I woke up and went out to the store.  Around 11 AM, Chi called me crying saying that the Hospice nurse said that she thinks we need to fly back because mom may not have very much longer.  My dad called my uncle who works for an airline to get us tickets, and we started to shut down the store.  My heart fell to my stomach.... I felt so helpless.  We have deli food, so we started giving food away for free so we could shut the store down quicker.  Our flight was at 4 pm.  A customer asked what was wrong and I explained it was because my mom wasn't doing well.  The customer started crying, because all of customers knew mom's been sick, and I started to sob as well.

 My friend, Kelly, drove us to the airport.  My sister gave constant updates through texts, all of which were alarming.  She told me that a lot of my uncles, aunts, and cousins had taken off work in the middle of the day and were now in her room, praying for her.  We have a very large family, and relatives from my dad's side also showed up to say their last goodbyes. She said mom wasn't really awake, and came in and out of consciousness, trying to breathe.

 As it got closer to our  flight, a family friend called me and she told me that she didn't know how much longer mom had but if she should pass, she wanted me to not have any guilt or regrets just in case we didn't make it back in time because we were doing everything we could, and that I had been a good daughter.  I just numbly said "okay".  Then she told me that the nurse wanted me to be put on speaker  to say whatever I had to say now because mom was awake.  My aunt called my dad first, so he spoke first.  He said hello to her, telling her he loved her and that we would be there soon and to hold on.  Then it was my turn.  My throat tightened, "Hi mommy".  She responded with an "uhh".  I told her that I loved her very much, and if she couldn't hold on any longer that I understood, but if she could, to please hold on.  She said another "uhh",  letting me know she understood, because at that point she could no longer speak.  I told her I loved her again, tears welling up, and she gave another "uhh".  Dad and I had to board the plane.

 What if the next time I saw her she was already gone? I was at least able to tell her I loved her one last time on the phone if that had happened.... we shouldn't have left yesterday, she had been so weak.  I was up all night Monday night because I was hyper aware of how her breathing was.  We shouldn't have left.

 The plane ride was 2 hrs and 30 minutes.  That's a long time to be with just your thoughts and worries.

 When we landed, I turned on my phone and immediately had 10 messages that had yet to be read.  I told myself not to read them until I was in my uncle's car because if the message said she had passed, I didn't know how I would react and I didn't want to be in public when I read something like that.  So I just held my phone in my hand, shaking, and followed my dad out to be picked up.

 My Uncle Hung picked us up.  I got in the car, buckled up, looked down at my phone, took in one breath, and opened my messages.  She was still holding on, but by a thread.  Chi told me that at least 50 relatives were crammed in the house.  Mom was pale and gasping for air.  She was sweating a lot.  Chi had asked mom, "Are you waiting for Vi and Bo?" Mom had responded with "uhh". Mom was strong. Chi said the nurse gave mom another dose of morphine, so she wasn't awake. When she had been "awake" that day, her eyes were never opened.  Chi said that she opened them once but couldn't see anything.  Eventually she could no longer swallow either, and her mouth was slack as she tried to breathe.

 We hit traffic.  It took us nearly an hour.  As we got to the house, cars were everywhere.  My dad and I grabbed our luggage and started carrying it up the driveway, my heart was pounding.  There were aunts and uncles outside, all of them looking extremely sad.  One of my uncles stopped me in the driveway and warned me not to sob when I entered my mom's room.  I knew this already, so I nodded as he further explained that crying will make the soul want to linger longer and hold on further instead of let go.  I said "okay" and went into the house.

 Relatives lined the house, some had tears in their eyes, everyone watched me and my dad.  Most of the relatives had cleared my mom's room, trying to give space for just me, dad, and Chi.  I went into her room and the sight of her broke my heart.  Her mouth was agape, her body was slightly slumped over to the right of the bed since it was raised.  I rounded the bed and leaned in and said, "Hi Me, it's Vi.  I'm here."  The seconds after that happened quickly.  I remember touching her arm, watching her face, and seeing her inhale one more time.... but I don't remember seeing her exhale.  I remember saying, "She's gone...." I remember some aunts rushing in, I remember Chi yelling, "I just saw her take another breath, CAN EVERYONE GIVE US A SECOND, PLEASE?" Because people were trying to come in. I remember dad being on her other side, touching her arm.  She really was gone.  I didn't cry in those moments, I kept it together.  I stroked her face, telling her I loved her and it was okay.  I smoothed back her hair.  I wiped some tears I saw at the corner of her eyes.....

 She was so amazing.  She suffered for eight hours, gasping for air like a fish out of water just so she could make sure that all of us were there to say bye in person. What a blessing.

 The nurse came in and listened to a heartbeat that wasn't there, confirming she was gone.  I sat and watched as my aunts lifted my mom up and put on a shirt.  They lowered her mattress flat.  They put her hands together on her stomach.  They pulled up a blanket up to her shoulders.  They closed my mom's mouth and laid a towel around it so it would stay closed.

 Then I got up from the chair, turned around to go into a different room, because I shouldn't grieve in my mom's room, and as I turn I see my cousin's face and fall into the first body I come into contact with.  I sob, and my cousin sobs with me.  Then I back up into a chair to breathe while saying, "We should have been here...."

 I wiped my tears and went back into my mom's room and sat next to her, placing a hand on hers.  My dad was crying, and I've never seen my dad cry, so I watched.  He only cries for a couple of seconds though because the hospice nurse asked him if he's made funeral arrangements yet.... So he stopped crying and went back into the living room full of mourning relatives from both sides of the family.

 I got up to follow him, but as soon as I stepped into the living room and saw all of my relatives, grief came back up and I began wailing, uncontrollable, uninhibited and loud.  One of my aunts took my arm and lead me out to the front while I bawled.  It seemed like a long walk, because people were everywhere, watching.

 When we reached outside, she hugged me and said, "It's okay to cry.  Let it out."  I whimpered and cried some more.  There were relatives sprinkled in the driveway, and some that were just arriving and making their way in.

 Eventually, I calmed down enough and slowly made my way back inside.  I quietly greeted everyone, nodding as I weaved my way back to my mom's room and took a seat next to her again.  I just stared at her for a long time.  Her face was still warm.  There were moments that it looked like she was breathing.  She was so thin.

 Then my aunts came in and wanted to do an hour of prayer.

 For those of you who do not know, my family is Buddhist. For my family, Buddhism is not so much a religion as it is a part of our culture as well.  It's difficult to explain our beliefs in a few paragraphs, but I'll do my best. Be open-minded when reading this.

 We believe in reincarnation. In other words, we do not believe that the soul can only go to Heaven, or Hell, but could also be recycled into another life.  We do not say that Heaven does not exist, or a Hell does not exist.  We believe that there are tiers of Heaven and tiers of Hell.  You can reach a tier of Heaven depending on how good your Karma is, but you can also be reincarnated into another life, or sent into a tier of Hell depending on your Karma. You can get out of Hell if you have paid your debt, or you can fall out of Heaven if you do not keep good.  It all depends on your Karma, so nothing is quite permanent.

 We believe that when a person has passed, it takes anywhere from 4 to 8 hours for a soul to completely leave the body.  In that time frame, you pray.  We should not sob and show too much grief, because the soul will want to stay and linger instead of try to make it's way to it's next destination.  We believe that it takes anywhere from days to 7 weeks to be reincarnated.

 Our prayers often times sound like chanting and song.

 We prayed for an hour after that. The hospice nurse set up a time for the mortuary to come and pick up my mom, the time was set for 3 AM.

 My dad kept busy talking to relatives.  I stayed by my mom and cousins came in and sat with me.  I had always been afraid of death.  Not dying, I'm not afraid of dying.  I'm afraid of dead bodies and being near one, but I wasn't in this.  How could I be? Somehow we all start sharing stories about my mom.  Funny memories as well as sad.  I learned that around 1 PM, when a lot of people started to show up and gathered around her to pray, she managed to gather enough energy and strength to say, "On qua".... "too loud".  We all laughed at that.  Just the thought of her using her last bit of strength to complain to people who were praying for her, was hilarious. If that doesn't paint the picture of how feisty and strong she was until the very end, I'm not sure what does.

 While I was able to laugh and share stories with family quickly, my sister was the opposite.  She had been my mom's primary caretaker throughout a lot of this.  She had to sit through all of today and watch my mom suffocate for 8 hours.... she had to see family members cry.... she had to try to hold in her grief.  So that night while everyone came together, she separated herself and started to close off.  I was worried but I understood that everyone grieves differently, and she wanted to be alone.  She took a shower and went to bed by 9 pm.

 Eventually relatives started to leave the house.  All of my mom's sisters stayed behind to wait and for the mortuary people to come and pick mom up, and waited up with them.  One of my uncles had tried to fly back from a business trip in Atlanta but his flight got delayed.  He would fly in at 2 AM, and wanted to see her before they took her.  He got to the house around 2:45 AM.  He went into her room and talked to her for a bit and kissed her forehead to say goodbye.

 The people came and took mom away.  The funeral was set for Saturday and Sunday.

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 The day after mom passed, we had to go find an outfit to wear to the funeral as well as what mom was going to wear.  That was hard.  We picked out for her a dark blue under shirt with a beaded neckline and a white blazer.  She didn't like dark colors.

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 On Friday one of my best friends, Colbi, flew in from Oklahoma to attend the funeral and to support and be there for me.  It was wonderful to have her there for those few days, she helped lift my spirit up a lot.  Lots of needed laughter.

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  Saturday, we got up around 9 AM and started to get ready.  It was at Peek's Funeral Home in Westminster, California.

 Here's the schedule:

 10-12 PM:  Preparations-- there was food in the front lobby area.  We took photos.  There was a donation box we set up because her wish was for people who came to donate so we could send it to an orphanage in Vietnam.  We were able to raise over $8,000 from those two days.  Dad's already mailed it out.

 12-1:15 PM:  Buddhist Priests came in to start the ceremony.  They rolled in mom's casket and opened it.  I kept straining to try to see her, but I couldn't because we started the ceremony a little too far from her.  There was prayer, lots of kneeling and bowing and standing back up.  I only actually understand parts of it because I think it's spoken in a different language in a sing-song kind of way.
  There was a table with mom's picture in the middle, and then they laid out three plates of vegetarian food, and three small bowls of rice and a small teapot.  We eventually made our way there and prayed. Then we ceremoniously went up to the table to pick out foods and place them in our small bowl of rice and place our chopsticks into the bowl to make it stand upright as an offering.
  Then eventually when it came to a close, we were able to circle towards the casket.  My first thought when I saw my mom was, "OMG she would hate what they did with the makeup." I could actually hear her voice saying, "The makeup job is terrible!" It didn't really look like her because of the amount they put on, plus mom never wore makeup so it was just strange.
   Then they handed out white bands and headdresses.  Nieces and nephews wore this white fabric around their foreheads.  Mom's siblings wore the white bands around their arms.  Chi and I wore a white headdress and Dad wore a white band around his head as well. This way, any guests/visitors that came to the funeral immediately knew who the family was and in what way they were related to the deceased.

 1:15-2:30 PM: Viewing.  Anyone could come up to the table, pray and walk by the casket.
 2:30-3:00 PM:  People from VSA (Vietnamese Student Association) came and spoke because my parents were one of the four founders of VSA in Southern California.  Which is pretty cool if you ask me!
 4:00-4:30 PM: Another round of prayers, and changing of the food offering.
 4:30 PM-8 PM: Viewing.

 When it was time to go, my dad ran up to the casket and said, "Okay Honey, I'll see you tomorrow okay?" and we left.

 Next day was kind of the same only it ended a lot quicker.  From 9 AM-11 AM was viewing.  From 11 AM- noon was last prayers, then we did a procession to the cremation building.

 I was okay until they closed the casket and I realized I would never physically see my mom again.  That's when I started to cry.

I wasn't really sure what was going to happen.  We paraded to the cremation building, each niece and nephew holding something from the funeral, and made our way into a small room with a window.  As soon as I saw the window I knew that we would be watching them put the casket into the burner.  

 Since it was a small room, not all of the siblings could squeeze in.  We did some more prayer and we saw them wheel in the casket.  Then they opened what looked like a large oven, essentially, and they pushed in the casket and closed it.  We eventually made our way out, lots of people crying now.  

 We all stood outside of the building, unsure of what all to do.  We were supposed to go to the Temple next because my mom's urn would be there for 49 days, the full 7 weeks that it could possibly take to be reincarnated.  

  So that was it.  Mom was really gone.  

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 Chi and I drove back home on Thursday and arrived on Friday.  

 It's just the three of us now.  Dad seems lonely.... of course he is, he lost his best friend of 30+ years.  They worked together everyday for 20 something years.  So he keeps busy.  He's not home for very long.  He makes plans with friends after work, or goes to visit my aunt and uncle who live just down the street.  

 I think the hardest thing to deal with after losing someone is the space they leave behind.  My mom used to have very specific spaces that belonged to her and are now empty.  Like the space at the dinner table.  The space on the right side of the bed.  The space next to my dad.  It's just empty now.  

 The next hardest thing are the actual things they leave behind.  Personal belongings.  We've already started rummaging through things.  I had to go to the AT&T to cancel her number.  

 My mom was very simple in style and dress.  She never bought anything new; all of her clothes are hand-me-downs from her sisters.  She never bought anything new because "there's no need".  

  We are going to be holding a garage sale eventually.  There are too many things.  

 Through all of this, I cannot help but be grateful and thankful for everything.  I am thankful and grateful to have had such an extraordinarily strong woman be called my mom.  I am thankful and grateful to my relatives and friends who have stood behind and beside me through this past year.  I am thankful and grateful to grieve but still be able to laugh.  I am thankful for all of the messages I've received through texts and Facebook.... they truly meant a lot, even though I may not have responded to everyone.  Thank you for just being there.  

 This next school year will be strange.  I'm glad to be doing a musical this year, it will keep me busy and focused.  

 Oh.  And I got a tattoo of my mom's signature so I can always carry her with me.  <3